i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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