I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
