I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
