I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think I sprained my soul last night
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
