I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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