Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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