I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
