I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my vag is so smooth its legendary
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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