What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
