even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
