nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
