So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
