life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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