She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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