last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
