Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
