I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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