can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
