Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
