Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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