i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
