my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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