my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
