Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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