Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
