you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I will pee on everything he values.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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