Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
ttyl tear gas
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
