You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
