last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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