In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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