Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
