i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
