At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
