I'm sorry my penis didn't work
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
