I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize