Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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