you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
