First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
