I got her a Nickelback box set.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
