seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
