Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
