did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
