so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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