Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
