I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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