well I can't set my house on fire every night
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
