Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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