Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
