You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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