i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
