Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
