Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
