We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
