He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
